Introduction
I started my new job with one of those small but largely distinct blue-tooth earpieces fitted into my left ear, turned on for the green light. The same kind made with noise-cancellation features and a built-in microphone. As I walked through the front glass doors, it was as if my body instinctually turned so the woman behind the desk could see it, and when I spoke with her, since my head was naturally aimed in the only direction the adjoining hall led employees down, anyone who were to walk toward reception would notice it.

I was given an access badge, and a brown bag filled with goodies. The hardwood floors squeaked, and the overhead lights shined a bit more than usual. The receptionist was so hot.  

The Arrival
Me (with my finger in my ear): I’ve made it to work.

My Butler: Very good, sir.

I arrived at the office a bit early. The main space was still fairly empty. Open desks surrounded mine, and there was one other girl a few desks down who heard me. I made sure to angle my head so she could see the headpiece. We greeted one another.

Me: Alfred, I need to connect to the WiFi.

Alfred: Sir, it’s a security risk. Remember when you brought your laptop into work.

It is ill-advised to connect a home computer to your work’s WiFi, the Director said to me. They asked me, “You have a home computer you can use to do your job?” A few days before I brought in my laptop, which I thought meant I was to bring in my laptop.

Alfred: You didn’t even bother to wipe the gigbytes of porno, sir.

Batman: Alfred, shut up. How am I supposed to connect my earpiece so I don’t use up data?

Alfred: Remember you aren’t calling anybody.

Batman: Oh yeah.

Alfred: It’ll help conserve bat-tery life. (snickers)

Setting Up My Workspace
My desk was equipped with a dual-monitor setup, ergonomic chair, and even a plant to brighten the space. I added a photo of my parents and favorite mug, since I already had a branded company mug and a gift basket, which, when I looked inside, was really just a brown bag filled with pencils and shit.

Orientation and Training
It was upon my first bathroom break during orientation and training that I came to learn my headpiece was not turned on. With no green light circle protruding from my ear, it was hard to gauge how I seemed to the four other people in the room learning to work at the company from three HR reps at the whiteboard.

Batman: Oh fuck. Alfred I am so fucked.

Alfred: How do you know the doors are soundproof.

Further tension escalated between my loins—a dilemma that tethered me onto the polished porcelain seat. It was only after a moment of continuous exposure, like a great horn at the medieval games playing Linkin Park ‘Breaking the Habit’, did I come to understand these doors must be soundproof. Else the entire main space I worked at, mere steps away from this toilet, would be privy to the explosiveness of life. And upon learning this:

Alfred: You can always tell them your earpiece’s light is broken.

Batman: Alfred, you’re a genius!

This excuse would help me conserve bat-tery life, so if I ever had to make an actual call—unless I genuinely had to make a call—I would have to take it in my car.

Alfred: Very good premeditation, sir.

Lunch Break
Turns out I had to use this excuse during my first lunch break. The R&D department took me out to Outback Steakhouse. I think most of them were there for the free food. I didn’t even get to speak with the employees at the end; they were the hot ones I coveted sex with.

Boss: Why are still wearing your headset?

Batman: The light is broken.

Boss: (a moment) Can I test it?

Batman: No.

But it’s like, even though I was setting boundaries, this was the wrong answer. Her eyes penetrated me above the cinnamon coated bread bowl and butter. I also had two beers, and I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I peed three or four times during lunch.

Afternoon Tasks and Challenges
I quickly realized how much there was to learn at the company.

Batman: Alfred, where were you?

Alfred: You are at your desk.

The desks surrounding me were filled with women. Tackling my initial assignments was quite difficult, and I suffered from ADD or some shit, so I phased out and looked at the training papers, staring very much past them, at a single sheet flourishing a list of everyone’s cell phone numbers, including the hot chick from HR. My fingers reverberated as I began to add the numbers one by one; small beads of sweat trickled from the pores in my forehead, wetting the page as Alfred whispered into my ear. There was then a phone call from my boss, and by mistake, I clicked answer (my finger slipped). Since my earpiece wasn’t actually turned on, I put the phone to my ear, and when I realized this, I turned, and she was staring at me through the blinds of her office.

End of the Day Reflections
Alfred: Sir, there isn’t anyone there.

Batman: I have to fight the gang stalkers.

Alfred: Sir, you are scaring the women.

Batman: They’re there. I see them.

As the clock neared 5 PM, I took a moment to reflect with my fists on my first day. Gang stalkers poured in from the hallways on all sides, dressed in white. When the police arrived, I began to scream. They packed my things; I punched them in the face. And the overhead lights dimmed.

Conclusion
It’s like anytime I’m about to meet a hot chick that wants to meet me back, everything ends. It’s like companies know true love isn’t for me. Like the one time a super-hot girl was hired at my last job, and they had the dude beside me do the hiring, then they let me go. Or the other time they took me off an account because the main woman wanted my dick, but she knew she had no chance over the younger girl in her early twenties. Like a cursed pattern repeating, another hot chick from HR was stolen from me. I hadn’t gotten far enough down the list to add their phone number from the sheet before my Boss caught me fighting for my life.

(On route to a mental health ward reminiscing.)